It's not a cold...

It has been 9 week since we lost our precious baby, and I still cry. Not every day, but some days. I will hear a sad song, or see baby boy's clothing, and it will hit me all over again. Some days I wonder what he would have looked like, who he would have taken after. I'm so comforted knowing that some day I will get an answer to all of these questions, but my impatient heart finds it so hard to wait. Some days I feel cheated out of memories, and to most of the world they probably find it hard to understand how I could be so attached to memories I never had. I'm finding healing in reading about other women who have walked this rocky road before me, their stories help me heal, and help me to fight the feelings of isolation that cloud my heart. My dear sweet friends are helping me as well, checking in on me every now and again, asking how I'm doing, and not being satisfied with a cordial "fine". One such friend helped me the other day as I was complaining about not being able to get over my loss. I had felt like it was time to move on, time to get over it. She gently and graciously reminded me "it's not a cold.....not something you get over." The Lord is showing me that I will never be the same.........life will never be the same. But He is also showing me that He is faithful. As I pour out my heart in desperation to Him, He will continually pour out His love and mercy. My prayer today.....Lord make this something beautiful. Use this for your Glory.......use my tears of sadness to remind me how much I need you......make this something beautiful.

Almost forgot....

After enjoying a quiet moment while the girls nap, I decided to catch up on some friendly blogs. After seeing how diligent my friends are at keeping their blogs current and updated I remembered that I actually have a blog!! I couldnt even remember the last thing I posted or how long it had been since I looked at it. Months have gone by and I don't think I have given my blog once single thought.....so to my blog.....and to the two people who probably read it....I apologize. The past several months have been some of the most significant in my life. In May of 2009, I began running again. Some of you may know that I ran cross country and track in high school, and running has given me so much joy!! At the end of May I completed my first 5K in 8 years! I hope and pray I will be able to do many more in the future. May was also a joyfull and exciting month because Brett and I learned that we were pregnant with our 3rd child. We had not planned on getting pregnant again quite yet, but we knew we wanted a 3rd, so we were thrilled and excited!! We immediatly told friends and family because lets face it...I'm not known for keeping secrets. I knew that this pregnancy would go by fast because we had lots of fun events coming up.....one of which included my big brother getting married!!! Jay and I have always been extremely close, and his wedding day was something that I had been praying about for years and years! The trip to Texas for the big day was a long one....we drove straight through the night for 14 hours but finally made it to Houston. The weekend was wonderful, we enjoyed every minute of the preparations, and the ceremony and reception were fabulous! It was an amazing party that I will never forget. I had the blessing of singing in the wedding a song that is very dear to my heart. I enjoyed the wedding as well because I finally looked pregnant!! My belly was quite big and people started coming up to me and rubbing my belly like they knew me! I enjoyed the attention, and really enjoyed any chance I got to talk about our precious baby. When the party was over, we headed back home, only to face heartache and devestation. The same night that we arrived back home I started bleeding. I was just past my first trimester so it never occured to me that a miscarriage was possible. Following the advice from my mom I went ahead and called the doctor and they sent me to the ER. After several hours of exams and an ultrasound the doctor walked into the room and asked my how far along I was. I told him I was over 12 weeks......he asked if I was sure. What in the world do you mean am I sure, I thought! He must be crazy! Of course I knew I was sure.........he went on to tell me that the baby was only measuring at 9 weeks......and that there was no heart beat. I was so devestated and shocked. After having two healthy girls I never thought a miscarriage could happen to me. They sent me home to miscarry naturally....and after a week of waiting Brett and I decided it would be best to have a D and C. Looking back on that month I can honestly say it was the worst time of my life. I've never gone through anything so heartbreaking and confusing. But even through the midst of darkness and sadness we know that our Heavenly Father never left our side. We were so blessed by family and friends loving on us and supporting us through our grieving. I learned what it truly meant to live on Grace alone.....because I certainly did not have any strength of my own to get through it. Brett and I have had our marriage strengthened through our pain, and I have watched him step up to the plate and lead our family the way God has called Him to. God has been faithful to me, even when I don't understand whats going on. So here we are in August picking up the peices and waiting to see what's next for our family. In the mean time Ellie is starting her homeschool preschool. We are starting slow but so far she loves it!!! I promise to try and not forget that I have a blog in the future!! Hopefully I can keep (all two) of my readers posted on the happenings in the Life of a Katyebug...

Till's House!

With our master bathroom under construction I thought it would be a wonderful time to go visit my sweet Mamatill. My dad came with us to lend a helping hand, and we spent the week visiting parks and laughing with family. It brought Mamatill such joy after the storm of loosing Daddy Gob.

Daddy getting ready to say bye to his girls for the week
Ava trying on Papa Johns hat

Ava playing outside

Elle playing on the tire swing

Mamatill and her sweet Ava

I'm still here!!!

Wow where do I being, it has been waaaaay too long since I updated my blog, so naturally there is alot to discuss!!! February has been a month full of celebration.....overcoming trials....staying completely busy.....and wonderful family time! I turned 27 this month and turning a year older came with way too much chocolate as well as lots of internal evaluation. The girls and I have stayed busy searching for the perfect flower girl dress for my brothers wedding. Brett and I have been busy searching for affordably and beautiful bathroom fixtures for our new bathroom. And we all have been searching for opportunities to get outside!!! We are definetly ready for spring at our house. With all the errands, celebrations, and running around I'm reminded to slow down and be still before the Lord to give Him honor where honor is due!! We have been so blessed not only with things like Brett getting a new job, provision for better health care, and birthday gifts.....but my sweet Heavenly father has blessed me with unseen blessings in my marriage and family! Even amongst the most whirl wind of times, God whispers His sweet love to me and I'm so thankful!!! Here are a few pictures to catch you up on the past month.

The beautiful flower girls!!

Ava is just getting so big!!!!

Ellie always love an opportunity to snuggle Macy

Ava looking way to serious with her soccer ball

Ellie and our friends son, baby Neil

Daddy reading to his girls

Christmas Joy!!!

I know this is a bit late but I wanted to share some pictures of our wonderful Christmas!!! The weeks leading to Christmas were filled with trials and pain. The girls were sick, Daddy Gob passed away....it was long and lonely. But the Bible tells me that joy comes in the morning....and that He will turn our tears of sorrow into tears of joy. The Christmas season reunited us with loved ones and brought so much joy and laughter! Here are a few pictures. Enjoy!!

Here is our sweet Ava in her Santa Hat

Ellie opening up some of her presents

Ava enjoying her new slippers and pillow seat

The girls and I are all snuggled up to watching the Grinch..a Daddy Gob tradition

Brett read the First Christmas story to the girls

I thought this was an adorable picture...my girls love books

Sweet sisters

Thanksgiving

The Fam!! Thanksgiving 2008

I know this comes a little late....but I wanted to post a blog about the most bitter and the most sweet holiday I think I've ever had. There was much anticipation to this years Thanksgiving, which was spent with my wonderful family in VA. It had been almost a year since Brett was able to be there so it was to be quite a good time catching up with loved ones. But I had to prepare my heart a bit, knowing that my sweet grandfather....aka Daddy Gob, was laying on his death bed waiting for the Lord to take him home. I had done my best to prepare my heart for what I would find in VA , and more than I could have anticipated, it was pretty difficult. Thanksgiving day was filled with such joy and laughter....eating amazing foods, spending much needed quality time with my amazing husband and precious girls......and playing hillarious games with my extended family!! We had a great time!! Probably the most fun I remember having at a Thanksgiving Day celebration. All the while I was continually reminded that a time of mourning was near. I find comfort knowing that my Daddy Gob has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and that I will be with him again some day in my Heavenly home, but my heart still aches at the idea of him not being there. He has played such a huge role, not only in my life but in the life of my eldest, Ellie. Most of the games that she and I play before bed time are Daddy Gob origionals. We continue to wait for the phone call letting us know that he has been taken to be with His Heavenly Father. I'm sure it will be soon, and I know that God will give me the Grace and Mercy I will need to face the heartache. His word says that He is close to the broken hearted! And I know that Joy comes in the morning!!

Speaking of Joy....lil Miss sporting her TN spirit!

Being a wife

I've only been a wife for 4 years...which is long enough for me to know that I need alot of help!!! I've had wonderful examples before me to watch and learn...namely my mother, and my mother in law! But I'm also thankful for Biblical wisdom that continues to teach me in my role as Brett's wife. Submission has always been difficult not only to understand but to carry out. I read this passage earlier today that brought me such comfort and hope and I just wanted to share it with you. I pray it brings encouragement and insight!

"The true woman is not afraid to place herself in a position of submission. She does not have to grasp; she does not have to control. Her fear dissolves in the light of Gods covenant promise to be her God and to live within her. Submission is simply a demonstration of her confidence in the sovereign power of the Lord God"